Wednesday, December 14, 2011

       Hello my friends.  Finally after all this "stepping away" I know what I what to do and how I am going to do it.  It is a very exciting time for me.  First and foremost I know I have no desire to be in the limelight anymore. That is not for me. A lot of people found it hard to believe that I deleted 3 facebook accounts, fan club and a group that combined had over 17,000 fans, but I did, and I don't regret it one little bit. I do appreciate all the people that supported me, but i did like being put on a pedestal. I am a f*ckup and I have done tons of stupid things in my life, and I am sure that I will still do plenty of stupid things. I am not someone that people should look up to, especially by young people.
      During this 9 month "vacation" I have come to realize that I have more "Issues" than I originally thought. Those of you that are close to me know that the whole "Dark Angel" incident had very negative impact on me. Two people that I called family and trusted with my life, screwed me over royally because of that idea. One I called "Dad' the other I called my best friend and "Brother".  Madison has pointed out to me that I have a problem now that I didn't have before of pushing friends away when they get to close to me. I never did that before the "Dark Angel" days. I guess now I am terrified that if I let someone in like that again they will rip me apart. After all, when all is said and done, I wound up in the hospital for 3 weeks for very serious depression and wanted to kill myself after all of that mess went down. My so called "Dad" sent me a message in the hospital that he never wanted anything to do with me again and that he was ashamed of me and didn't want to be associated with me  in any way. He also took everything I owned. I had gave him "Power of attorney" so he could keep all the bills paid during the DA period.
    My so called "Best friend" and "brother" still to this day thrashes me every chance he gets, and I am the man who gave him his start when I was an Art Director, I am the man who got him invited to conventions as a guest, I am the man who paid and loaned him thousands of dollars so he could be part and travel with the Dark Angels, only to have him become jealous of me and stab me in the back on every level there is, and he and his "friends' who don't even know me, still do. 
    I am used to people not liking me, no matter what you do, we all are always going to have "Haters" but when the Hater is someone you loved and trusted more that anything, well, that hurts on a level I can't even understand or explain.
    I never said this before because I felt it was wrong to put out there for thousands of people I didn't know to read and make judgements. But I know today, that this blog is brand new, and only a very few people that are my family and friends will read it, so I wanted to say this because there are a few of you that I have pushed away although I love you very much. I am trying to understand this about myself and get passed it. When I do, I will call the people I have pushed away and hopefully can be forgiven and move forward. If not, I will understand and continue to support them as I always have.
   There is no doubt that I am a much happier person that I can ever remember being in the past. I am so in love with Madison and the children that my life revolves around them. I do my best to take care of them every way that I am physically able to. I am by no means a wealthy man money wise, but honestly I have everything I ever dreamt of. 
I have been blessed in so many ways I can't even begin to explain. But through the years, 54 of them now, I have gained many scars. Most where to teach me to be a better person, but some still affect me. One of my personal goals now is to get past those and don't let them affect me anymore. I have conquered every mountain set before me in this life, so i will conquer this one as well.  But all things take time.
    I have finally come to realise what I want to do with my art now. It took a very long time to discover this because the past was so embedded into me. But talking to Madison and my 12 year old step daughter really helped me see the path I want to take. Sometimes a child can see things us adults can't and can see them in a simple way. Adults tend to make everything to complicated, where a child just sees everything straight and simple. I am very proud of both of our children and or daughter is even showing signs of some serious art talent for her age. She is so good, that even her school featured her on a school interview. Maybe she will let me share some of her drawings with you in the future so you can see for yourself.
   One of the reasons I decided to start another blog is so I can show you my new works in progress. They will be very different from the past. For one I will not being using any reference photo's to work from.  So everything on the canvas will be straight from the inner me. I will probably do some nudes or portraits in the future and for those I will be using photo's to work from, but for the next several months I am going to be concerned with my work taking on a look and style that is uniquely me.  After I have found and am comfortable with that, then I will expand on my subject matters.  For now I will be painting "magical" landscapes and scenery. Instead of doing very detailed drawings before I paint over it, I will simply just being laying down a few lines and then start slinging paint.  I am sure that the first few paintings will be a challenge for me, after all I will be doing things different than the way I have done them my whole life. lol But that is what is going to be fun about it.
     Now, I am hoping that in a few years my work will reach a national level again, but I am going to stay very low key and just keep my part to a local level as much as I can. I know that I may have to travel again someday if my new work becomes popular, but I also realise that there is the possibility that no one but me will like the new stuff. So I have to face that possibility as well. Honestly I could care less about fame, but I would like to be able to contribute more money to my family than I have been able to do in the past. That is one of the main reasons that I will be painting very little dark art in the future, simply because there is no money in it. I am a realist. I want to do want I love to do, but I want to make money by doing it as well. I am lucky in the fact that I enjoy painting all different types of things and although I have a "Dark" nature, these days I also a "Happy and Loving" nature as well. So painting beautiful and wondrous things will bring me a lot of joy as well.
    The next few months, while I am creating new paintings, I will be getting involved in the local art scene, meeting a whole lot of new people and becoming part of "Artist" experience more than I ever have been before. Hopefully I will be able to be involved in things that will help out my new hometown as well. I would love to work with children and teach them if possible. I would also love to be able to help raise money to help out my community as well. Can you believe that Nick will be leaving his dungeon and getting out meeting new people and making new friends? I am very excited about that part of it.  And then of course after I have enough new paintings that I feel represent my new path, then hopefully a gallery will take a interest in showing and selling my works. I really want to do one of those "Cheese and Wine" parties!  lol
   I have my plan, and I know where I want to go now. I really hope that the next time I blog that I will have a new painting in progress to show you.  One of the really great things is that tomorrow I will FINALLY be getting my partials. I have been through hell and back the last 6 months. Two Thirds of my teeth where pulled, and the others where drilled and filled. There has been a lot of things I haven't been able to eat because of it, but tomorrow night I am having a giant, thick porterhouse!  Now I wont be so ashamed to smile at people. I also spend a great deal of time and money to "whiten" my remaining teeth to get rid of the yellow from all the years of smoking. I will get some recent pictures of me to show you the "New" look next time around as well.
    I love you all and I know it is a challenge to be my friend at times. Love and Hugs.